I resented being a ‘sudden’ carer

At the same time when caring for my mum with Alzheimer’s, I was diagnosed with chronic disease. I needed my mum, but our roles had reversed, I was now the primary carer – a role I didn’t want or felt I was equipped to take on. I felt a particularly poor candidate for this job, but there wasn’t anyone else.

I resented being a sudden ‘carer’ – I didn’t like being called that. To me, a carer is someone who was able to give up work to go and look after their mum. I just couldn’t do it. I had a mortgage, and my work ethic. For better or for worse, I’m my mother’s child and she taught me my job and independence had value.
Mainly I got in my own way. I’m my own worst enemy in terms of work ethic, and not wanting to draw on supports available.  I just wouldn’t ask for help even when things were full on.

I’d find myself being passed from pillar to post without the direct help I needed, which left me feeling resentful and angry.

Sometimes my relationship with my brother was challenging. He was just as distressed as I was but would show it in a different way. I would feel ‘I haven’t got time to be stressed, I have to get things done’, whereas he would call up wobbly and say ‘I’m really not coping with all of this’. I found myself on many levels trying to deal with other people’s emotions before my own.

Once she was in permanent care, I felt I didn’t have an ounce of energy for anything. I pretty much holed away for about eight months to recover. I did the best that I could but it was a shocking mess in my view. I still can’t avoid comparing myself to others but I know I also have to forgive myself.

My issue now is I feel I should visit her more, but I don’t want to, it’s too depressing. The time I spend with her, I make as nice as I can, but it gets less and less. She’s quite distracted now, although I know deep down she knows what she is losing. It’s a relief to know she is safe.
This experience has taught me to shift from ‘I can’t’ to ‘I can’. I found myself asking ‘well if I can survive this painful experience, what else am I capable of?’ I’ve recently taken up learning to ride a motorcycle, and to play the double bass. I’m even in a band. I can see that I was previously challenged by being a rigid thinker. I’ve become more able to adapt to whatever comes my way. I’ll be OK.

In terms of juggling working and caring, then having the right kinds of conversations becomes critical. Many people don’t know how to have the right kinds of conversations (managers included). So they avoid them. They wait and wait until it’s at crisis, and then explode.

Similarly I found it really helpful when colleagues made offers to me : ‘would you like a hand with this?’ – small things like making me a coffee made a big difference. Even just work mates asking ‘how’s it going?’. And knowing that it was OK if I didn’t want to talk about it and when it was cathartic to unload.